FREE ESSAY ON DIVORCE

DIVORCE

It seems that more and more marriages are falling apart everyday. Divorce rates seen to be
climbing astronomically. In so many of these divorces there are children to be
considered. What is best for the child? Who will get custody? Will the child be scarred
for life? It's really hard to say. The overall effects on our children vary according to
the factors involved. I am going to attempt to discuss a few of the problems that can
occur with children of divorced families and what parents can do to ease the transition.
I will limit this discussion to infantile age thru early elementary aged children. Let's
start with understanding the parents role concerning being together or being apart.
Obviously, two parents can provide children with far more guidance, sustenance, and
protection than one, and are more likely to prevent the kinds of psychological
disturbance that may result from deprivations of these necessities ...When one parent is
temporarily absent from the intact home, it is likely that the other will be available to
ratify the child's needs in a loving way. This is not so readily the situation in the
divorced home. ( Gardner, 1977). In this statement he illustrates the importance of
having both parents together. This can be emphasized further with a statement from
Buchanan, Maccoby, and Dornbusch (1996). Children's parents are their anchors. Parents
provide the structure for children's daily lives, and even when parents are not
functioning very well, children depend on them for a sense of security that enables them
to cope with their developmental tasks. When one parent leaves the home, the child
realizes a shattering possibility; parents are not always there. It is not hard to
realize that divorce can have a devastating effect on children. Let's brake it down by
age groups; infants, toddlers, and so on. DeBorg (1997) states that infants "do not
understand conflict, but may react to changes in parents energy level and mood." She goes
on to list possible reactions like "loss of appetite; upset stomach - may spit up more;
more fretful or anxious." She says that "parents should keep their normal routines," and
"stay calm in front of the child." Toddlers "understand that a parent has moved away, but
doesn't understand why." I know that my son was very confused. He was only two when my
wife and I separated. He seemed to display allot of anger and insecurity. DeBorg says
that a toddlers reactions could include "more crying, clinging; problems sleeping;
regression to infant behaviors; and worry when parent is out of sight." My son, his name
is Cody, definitely fits this profile. He cried constantly. It seemed that nothing would
calm him down. If you got him to go to sleep, good luck keeping him there. As far as
infant behaviors go, his biggest problems were wanting to be rocked like when he was
younger and trying to go back to the bottle. DeBorg say to "allow some return to
infantile behaviors, but set clear limits." Easier said than done I can assure you.
Preschoolers "don't understand what separation or divorce means," they "realize one
parent is not as active in his or her life" (DeBorg, 1997). Their reactions could include
"pleasant and unpleasant fantasies; feeling uncertain about the future; feeling
responsible; and they may hold their anger inside." Deborg's first strategy listed for
parents is to "encourage the child to talk." This makes sense if you are concerned with
straitening out these issues of anger and feeling responsible. It seems to be the only
way to really understand your child's problems. Gardner (1977, p. 42) talks of something
called the "oedipal phase." He explains that this occurs between ages three and five.
"This is the period... when a child develops a strong possessive attachment to the
opposite-sexed parent." Gardner says that "at times the attraction can take on mildly
sexual overtones toward the opposite-sexed parent...", but "the sexual desires are
generally not for intercourse, the child being too young to appreciate that act." He
explains that "if a boy begins sleeping in Mother's bed thoughout the night, an a
continual basis, the likelihood that oedipal problems will arise is great... this holds
true for a father and daughter when they are the ones who remain together following the
separation"(p. 91). Learning of this has raised my concerns for my son. His mother lets
him sleep with her every night, and she believes nothing is wrong with the arrangement.
This is a factor I will deal with on my own, as soon as I figure out what to do.
Continuing on to early elementary age, children's understanding becomes more apparent.
DeBorg (1997) says that children "begin to understand what divorce is," and "understand
that her or his parents won't live together anymore and that they may not love each other
as before." Reactions, as she describes, could include feelings of deception and a sense
of loss. Children have "hopes that parents will get back together," and "feel rejected by
the parent who left." Children of this age can have symptoms of illness like "loss of
appetite, sleep problems, diarrhea" and may "complain of headaches or stomach aches."
DeBorg does not list any ways of curving these symptoms of illness, however she does list
some strategies for helping these children adjust. She writes, "encourage the child to
talk about how he or she feels; answer all questions about changes...; and reassure the
child." From my standpoint, these ideas hold true regardless of the situation. You should
always encourage your children to talk about there feelings and always take them
seriously. A word of advice: Children can adjust to divorce. It is years of subsequent
fighting between their parents, or an inappropriate child custody plan that can take a
terrible toll" (Olsen, 1998). So if you want to help your children succeed, then help
them adjust to your divorce together; mom and dad. Never let them feel that they cannot
have a relationship with the other parent if at all possible. Bibliography References
Gardner, R. A. (1977). The Parents Book About Divorce. Garden City, NY: Doubleday &
Company, Inc. Buchanan, C. M., Maccoby, E. E., & Dornbusch, S. M. (1996). Adolescents
After Divorce. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. DeBorg, K. (1997). Focus on Kids:
The Effects of Divorce On Children. http://www.nncc.org/child.dev/effectsdivorce.html
Olsen, P. (1998). Child Custody Savvy. http://www.savvypsych.com/ 
Bibliography 
Bibliography References Gardner, R. A. (1977). The Parents Book About Divorce. Garden
City, NY: Doubleday & Company, Inc. Buchanan, C. M., Maccoby, E. E., & Dornbusch, S. M.
(1996). Adolescents After Divorce. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. DeBorg, K.
(1997). Focus on Kids: The Effects of Divorce On Children.
http://www.nncc.org/child.dev/effectsdivorce.html Olsen, P. (1998). Child Custody Savvy.
http://www.savvypsych.com/